What do you do in a situation where things make perfect sense, yet, there’s just one little thing that throws everything astray? How are you suppose to feel? I write. I write when things don’t make sense and when things go to a place I wasn’t expecting. I never thought I’d be in the place I am now. Everything is wonderful. Everything is falling into place. Unexpected happiness is happening everyday. The joys of life are calling and friendships are growing. With all of this bliss happening around me and coming together, there is still something that I can’t shake. A feeling that doesn’t dissolve. Realities are giving me anxiety. Anxiety I haven’t experienced in so long. Knowing that there are certain things that I haven’t fully dealt with… I don’t know how to deal with that. Where do I go? Who do I talk to? How do I work through it? I’m only so strong by myself. I’m not in a position to deal with this, any of it. But I’m afraid that the longer I put it off, the more the anxiety is going to eat at me, coming out of nowhere and hitting me at the most crucial times where I can’t be taken over by this monster that causes me be overthrown by overwhelming feelings and my chest stops and I can’t breathe. That’s exactly what it is. A monster. Well that’s just great. I’m dealing with a real life monster and it’s terribly inconvenient. My monster makes me want to cry. My monster makes me think I’m crazy. My monster takes me over crushes me from the inside out making it nearly impossible for me to escape. I did so well hiding this monster, until now. Now I feel exposed and vulnerable. I just want to stand in the middle of a field and cry everything out… maybe stand at the top of a mountain and just scream.
It’s my monster. I’ve realized I haven’t dealt with it, nor am I able to deal with it properly still. My monster isn’t just one thing from my past right now. My monster is a few things… a few things I don’t know how to handle or what to think. There are consequences either way. I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place because at this point, whats been done is done. No one wants the past to resurface. Everyone is done dealing with the monster that still haunts me. This monster is my story. I have to live with it forever. I have to figure out how to tame it and how to make it disappear. I don’t know what to feel, what to think, how to handle this, who to talk to, or anything really.
What I do know is at this moment I feel alone because I can’t shake this anxiety and I can’t talk myself out of feeling the way I do. I feel alone because there is no one here to hug me and tell me I’m not alone. There is no one here to talk to.
I write because it’s my release.